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Ok...I need to chill out.

My eyes are heavy. My lids considerable weights after the mundane task of trying to keep them open for hours. My classes are nearing the end when final projects are due, only to start new classes on Monday. I keep trying to rev up the engine, but I think I have cone kaput. Vrroommm....Vrooom....(cough)(choke). Yeah, that's pretty much me. A half revved up engine with barely any fuel.

Is this is what I have become? A half zombie of to-do lists, constant supervision over my child and life unfilled of social obligations? I am burnt out. The kind of burnt out that light is at the end of the tunnel, but you are so far from the tunnel you can't even see the light. I mean, the kind of burnt out where makeup is barely used, sweats are now considered formal wear, and my favorite shoes to wear are my white and very comfortable Pumas. Running sneakers. Because I am always on the go, always on the run. After sixteen hours of errands, to-do lists, chores, college courses and a baby....I am pooped out! Who's to save me but me? There is no man on a white horse, arms extended with red roses waiting for me. No way. There is no weightless bed that engulfs my sore muscles at the end of the night uninterrupted. No way. There is no trip to Tahiti with a sex on the beach in my right hand, shot of vodka straight up on the left. Because if there was, I would be in a dream. A dream of absolute oblivion, a dream of sweet peace.

Peace. Security. Peace.

(Sigh.) Oh, woe is me. Woe is to all the people who are burnt out and shit out of luck. Woe is to all the people who deserve a vacation but don't receive it. Woe is to all the people who hit the snooze button because they only get four hours of sleep at night.

It's not just me. You see, misery loves company, and I notice it's not just me. I see half-zombies at Walmart trying to keep it together while sweat comes from their brow. I see aimless wanderers forgetting to do simple tasks because their brain is overloaded with useless information and a hundred to do lists. It's the constant bullshit that makes us go. It's the constant crap that makes us want to give up, but expectantly makes us go.

And because I give you such a negative piece of pie, I decide to turn sweet.

Acknowledge what you are, and where you are. That does not mean we have to stay in it.

True, many people feel they do not have a outlet to get out of their negativity. Bad relationships. Bad careers. Bad families riddled with pain in the ass mother-in-laws, or un-supportive spouses that don't even recognize your potential. But the difference is, we don't have to stay in our shit. You see, shit stinks. To high heavens. And I don't like the brown stains on the bottom of my shoe after taking a walk in the park, let alone smelling it or keeping it around me for the rest of my life. It's about time that we make hard core decisions which enables us to have our happiness. We DESERVE happiness. Get that silly little idea that because you hate your job but it's convenient then we have to stay there. Get that crappy idea out your head that because you gained a few pounds no one else will love you after someone leaves you (or better yet, you leave them.) Get that negative thought out of your head that although we don't choose our family, we do choose our friends and guess what? We outgrow them.

And it's okay. Really, it is okay.

Hardcore decisions with hardcore results. It may seem that things won't work out: we are anxious about change, nervous to make a change. We stay in our shit because we are afraid of what we might be. The potential. The unknown.

But if we limit ourselves to stay in this crap, we limit our full potential. We are burnt out because we do not chill out. (Oh yeah, I am preaching to myself on this one.) We are stressed out because we do not act out. We limit our conversations to be about others, that we forget about ourselves. Wrong. We can think of ourselves, and this does not render us selfish. We can surrender to an extra hour of sleep, get lost in paradise when we need it, and give five minutes to ourselves before we bug out. Even when we get dressed, we think of the to-do's of the day. Even when we are eating, we think of our next move. How much the brain works! How much the brain needs to rest.

No wonder we are tired. No wonder I am tired.

So, as for me I have the rest of the evening to relax. To really relax. I mean, the idiot box if I want. I know even with 100 channels, there still isn't anything on. What about a lit candle and a hot bubble bath? Maybe. How about utter silence and just the chirp of the birds on my patio? Perhaps. But whatever it is, it is for me.

For me.
-Beverly R. Rivera


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